Mom Erased

“So tell me, where shall I go? To the left, where nothing’s right? Or to the right, where nothing’s left?” Author Unknown

June 26th, 2019 (Previous Journal Entry)

I hate June 26th. It’s a day of loss. It was June 26th, 1996, when my father had a massive heart attack while visiting me, and died. He & my mother were in town for my little girls 2nd birthday. My first born, now my estranged adult child. We thought he had just fallen, but soon realized it was far more serious. My Mom stood on the phone with 911 and I sat with my father and talked to him, urging him to wake up. He sounded like he was sleeping, making snoring sounds. I covered his legs with a blanket because he had chill bumps which is when I noticed he had lost control of his bodily functions. The paramedics came with a rush of activity and commotion and worked on him for 45 min. Without a word we followed them to the hospital, no sirens. The ER doctor came in and said “I’m sorry”…. I did’t hear anything else after that. He was gone. I was left in shock at how someone you love, can be there laughing and talking one minute and the next be gone. Returning to my home without him, seeing his things where he had left them, nothing felt real. The weird thing about death and grief is that your entire world has changed completely. Nothing will ever be the same as it was just the day before. And yet the rest of the world just keeps moving, working, laughing, buzzing by, like nothing is different and nothing has changed. Didn’t the world understand what had just happened? It’s surreal.

Until now, that had been the single most painful thing I’d ever experienced.

June 26th, 2019, 9:15 am.The day I lost my daughter and grandson. A morning like most others. Except my world would be changed forever. From now on life would be divided into two parts; the time before our estrangement and time after. Once again, the world around me kept buzzing, responsibility still remained, school lunch had to be made, life just keeps going. It’s like being stuck in the in-between. And nobody understands.

They say Trauma is anything that is beyond the minds ability to cope. This was definitely that. The day she left felt like she died… only I didn’t get the benefit of closure, or a funeral, or sympathy cards.

Ambiguous Grief - A profound loss & sense of sadness without a death. A significant loss, without closure.